Do you remember reading the book “Flowers in the Attic”? Remember when the Grandmother is poisoning the children with arsenic-laced donuts? Well, my mother is trying to kill me with citronella, and she is doing out in the open. She upgraded my behave collar to a citronella collar and I am not sure it is for the better. Ok, so it is much more effective at making me behave, but I am not going to tell her that. In fact, I make it a point to cough and sputter as much as possible when I get my rotten citrus dose of Citronella up my nose. It is like Afrin with a kick. It makes my brain vibrate at a whole new frequency effectively stopping me in my biting and barking tracks.I am actually sure that this thing has shortened my life. The first time I got to experience it I was letting another dog in my lobby know that “my Stacia” was taken. He was vying for her attention, looking all cute. Um no sir, RUFFFFFF!!! PISSSTTTTT!!! What in the H. E. double hockey sticks was that?! Then there was the realization that I had been stung in the face by an assailant armed with rotten citrus and I nearly died. I quickly laid down on my bed in case I suddenly fainted. I need to protect this head of mine you know! As I lay there, I took mental stock that I still had all 5 appendages and that I was in fact NOT dead. How did I know I was not dead you ask? Well if I was, somebody upstairs had a very sick sense of humor. I was laying there starring at the dog I had been attempting to eat and he was looking at me all smug and happy like he had just showed me a thing or two. I guessed heaven didn’t play that way so I must be alive....but wait what if I was not in heaven. Then it dawned on me, that heaven wasn’t ready for me, and the devil, well he is afraid I will take over. Conclusion, I was not dead, praise the dog!
I thought about what had just happened and thought surely this was a fluke and this new collar must be defective and needed to be returned. I stood up, walked over to this dog Stacia was petting and barked again only this time I did it with some major authority. RUFF RUFF RUFF!! PISSSTTT!!! Well, the dose of Citronella that shot out of my new collar not only caught my nose off-guard, but my bladder as well. I jumped back and sneezed and peed, all in about 2 seconds. I was like a pregnant lady without an excuse. This collar is diabolical. It works on multiple levels. First it assaults you then it humiliates you. Stacia grabbed a mop and I laid down and sulked the rest of the day. When mom came up to ask how the new collar worked. Stacia told her the story. I lay there listening as she recounted the days events to my mom who said “that’s great”. “THAT’S GREAT!” Excuse me RUFFFF! PISSSTT! ACHOOO! Really... can somebody get a mop please.
~RUFF
